How the VP's Live

"Our" VP took us out to dinner on Wednesday as a "thank you" for the efforts we had made for the past six months. He invited us to the Rattlesnake Club, an expensive restaurant just a few blocks from where we usually co-habitate.

The dinner was splendid. We have a private room for about 15, and the evening started with appetizers and drinks for about an hour. We slowly moved to some tables and experience some nouveau French and Italian cuisine. The food was good and the service was excellent, and the best part was the alcohol kept flowing. The VP was witty, and had interesting stories about some of his travels. My estimate was the evening cost him about 2 Grand! And to think that I was trying to skip out on the night and call for room service...

One could get use to this type of living if only one didn't have to work so hard!

It's Easier to Swallow If It's Sweet

Spent the afternoon in the lovely District of Columbia as a result of few things to accomplish. Stopped off at Teaism (http://www.teaism.com) for a late lunch after the first game in the WNBA playoffs (Go Mystics!), with some terrific Oolong Tea. When I picked up my lunch and tea, I sat at the bar alongside a window, fairly close to a table with two women and a toddler sitting in a stroller. But enough about that later.

I've noticed that Oolong tea has a slightly bitter taste, but a refreshing bite of caffeine. It's just the pick-me-up needed mid-afternoon, when you have some things to accomplish that require your attention. I have noticed that if you add brown sugar or even Equal, it's necessary to stir the tea in order to get the dissolved sweetner to mix evenly. If you don't the first half of the tea is bitter.

Due to my proximity to the table, I couldn't help but overhear the conversation. One of the ladies talked incessantly to the toddler, repeating each sentence two or three times, I guess in an attempt to extend his vocabulary. While it was admirable, I thought that words like "delicious" and "appetite" are probably too complicated at this time. But she kept trying.

Too often, we read the "latest" magazines and shows so that we can get the news on which actor/actress/movie is the "hottest". This information is the little "sugar" that allows us more easily carry on with our daily lives.

At first, I thought that the people at the table represented a mother and daughter, and her toddler son. However, as I continued to listen, I realized that the "grandmother" was referring to BOTH of the women as "mommy". At this point, I turned to look at the "three of them" and realized that they were indeed a family.

Before I stirred my Oolong tea, I found that I was taking small sips of the bitter liquid. However, once I had stirred the mixture I was able to drink large mouthfuls. Isn't it strange that like my tea, we all find sweet things easier to swallow than bitter things?

If we allow others to determine what is "sweet" and don't make the determination for ourselves, we become easily manipulated and blind ourselves to what is really the truth. What does it matter if the family is made up of two mommies, two daddies, or even a man and a woman. If the family produces healthy productive citizens, who is harmed? Should we speak softly.....those currently in power????

Male Bonding

Had an early wake-up due to the Lambda Literary gig and the chiropractor and as such wasn't fully rested before the day started.

Have been considering the "male bonding" situation with my colleagues at work and am left puzzled. Probably because this is an area that I've been (sub) consciously avoiding. Did some research on the web, starting with a definition, and then worked my way through some articles and case studies. Surprisingly there isn't a lot of loose information on the topic. My gut feeling, based on my straight days, is that this is a common occurrence among "straight" guys. (i.e. Guys being their emotional and support network, leaving women for only physical intimacy...)

Being at Lambda made my dilemna somewhat surrealistic since both the gay men and women there are able to work out difficult emotional issues almost as fast as you can enunciate them. And can share emotions, too.

I guess part of the problem is the seductiveness of the situation, both of these guys are emotionally available and (mostly) understandable as opposed to women. (Editor's note: Hmm. Maybe this is why I don't have a fag-hag.) The challenge is that since neither is physically available there is a (strong) danger of overcommitting myself and/or only assisting with their emotional needs and not satisfying my own. Having placed myself aloof for so long, the air is kind of lonely out there...

God I need to get better soon so I can find a nice gay guy with whom to bond

Ya Can't Say I'm Not Living Life!

Twas one heck of a week of extremes: health-, work-, project-, emotional-, friendship-wise.

Was extremely sick last weekend and spent it in bed with a high fever. Not really sure what happened since I was unconscious for most of it and when I did wake was incoherent. Afterwards, it made me realize how much I really need that I need that special someone.

After the weekend, tried to "macho" it out by flying into Detroit -- barely able to move let alone work. When we arrived, my colleague (and friend) Bart, left me at the hotel hoping that I would use it as an "excuse" to recuperate. Unfortunately, my need to prove myself better than the "rest of the straight guys" kicked in and I took a limo into work, ironically arriving within minutes of Bart.

Work-wise, Monday was a bruiser. Our presentation to the big boss went even more poorly than the last time, two months ago. We were completely dismissed, although told that we had understood the problem well???

Slowly, I managed to regain my strength, but had to chastize and correct one of my subordinates (an overdue task I was putting off). She seems to be starting to pull her wait, albeit slowly. I think she was fairly well oversold during her interview (sigh). This is adding additional stress and wear and tear on me with the extra work.

Bart is confounding me by his need/desire to continue staying close to me. It's more like a male bonding (albeit "straight") thing. I'm still not feeling well and want some distance, but he's continuing to watch my "back six". Since most of this is non-verbal and I don't normally share "private" stuff with colleagues, I don't know how to handle this, especially the "non-sexual" closeness with other guys. Added to this is Bart's insistence on bringing his colleague, Jeff, into the group (pack). He and Bart were good friends on a job in Saudi Arabia a few years back. Since I don't know Jeff, I'm a little (for me, a lot by others' measurement) distant.

Managed to get through the extremely stressful week in Detroit (finally) and headed home. The annual assessment outbrief went unusually well, with my principal joing in the meeting and spending an hour before and after just chit-chatting (totally out of her character). The ratings were exceptionally good (unlike last year where I was unfairly skewed), just shy of a promotion but will now allow me to move to another team if I can manage it.

Had a chat with Bart, with Jeff in the room, and he talked about our "escape plans" to another team. Had a small coronary, since I don't really know Jeff (but somewhat like him) and asked Bart if he trusted Jeff enough to donate his left testicle if Jeff squeals on us. Bart further perturbed me by telling me that Jeff and I are the only ones he would tell his secrets too. This confirmed my suspicion that Bart considers me to be a closer friend than I previously thought, and also confirmed my suspicion that he's one of those guys who needs to form strong bonds with men, who are the real constants in his life. This also bit at my heartstrings because Jeff stated to the two of us that there should be no secrets between us.

I told Bart that trusting Jeff this quickly was akin to "kissing on first date and that he needed to give me time since I didn't operate that way. Bart laughed, but told me that he and Jeff had been friends for five years now. I replied that even though Bart and I had known each other three years, it had taken two years before I had even liked him. Which made Bart laugh and back off a bit. I agreed to make the process a little quicker with Jeff.

I guess I'm scared that my most closely held secret could break not one but two budding friendships and create a hostile work environment. But I gotta live as myself, right? Whoever that person is....

On Teamwork and No Longer Being Young

Just got back from a truly exhausting week in Detroit. Although this trip was abbreviated (only three days), I think I worked consistently longer hours than any other week. It ended up being 15 hours each day, with little sleep, especially the first night.

I think that last night's effort should truly be considered a victory since we managed to get our project manager and principal to agree (in principle) to our recommendations. It was largely a team effort, with members of the team floating in and out of the conference room throughout the day, exchanging laptops, proofreading presentation slides, and unobtrusively making critiques. The funny part was that even at 10PM last night, people were still willing to continue working on the presentation to give it the final tweak. We managed to leave and get to the last opened restaurant for dinner about 15 minutes before the kitchen closed.

When I got back to Washington, called my best friend and chatted about the week and the weekend plans. I'm volunteering on Sunday, and planning a Panda Mania trek on Saturday, and possibly dancing tonight. He thought I had too full a weekend planned, and assured him that I could handle it. Sadly enough, I think that he was correct.

As I write these words, I have barely been able to keep my eyes open despite six hours of sleep, and as I crossed the door's threshold felt dizzy and had to stop. I couldn't manage to cook dinner on my own at all resulting in a couple of barely tolerable slices of pizza. I feel too tired to even go downstairs and watch some TV (sigh), let along a night at Remington's (sigh). I guess I'll will have to wait another night.

One Day At A Time

Best friend sent a long e-mail reply to the posting on Monday with supportive but somewhat maddening advice. Mostly along the lines of taking a deep breath and evaluating what I want for a change without considering anyone else's needs.

This advice is somewhat hard for me and my current woes probably stem from the fact the SBISM is the first guy who's tried to take care of me. Since the past few months have been EXTREMELY stressful for me, this type of treatment has been sorely needed.

Whatever happened to those kind young men that were brought up by their mamas to take care of their man? I guess they're still doing it :)

My introspection and the best friend's e-mail both confirm that the role of close friend is vacant and needs to be filled. The tricky part is deciding and/or figuring out if this role represents a boyfriend or a close friend. David and I went down this path earlier this year and it has since turned into an uncomfortable relationship (for several reasons). Long before we first became intimate, we talked and saw each other almost every day. He first denied that there was anything more than friendship despite the frequency of contact, and then after we became intimate and there was no deniability (cover), he refused to make a committment -- instead choosing to have multiple "friends with benefits". It wasn't until I went to Cairo in May, and we both told everyone at Remington's that we were not a couple did he let go.

The relationship was draining because his almost daily contacts took energy and time away from forming other relationships. Due to my limited time at home now (on the weekends), this is obviously not a workable solution for me.

On further introspection, I would say that I think that I have honed my skills in taking care of another person. However, I'm pretty sure that I need to seek out relationships that are on a more even/equal basis. I have the SBISM to thank for that revelation. Thank the supreme diety for such loved and treasured friends.

And now I need to take this situation one day at a time and see where the next new friend leads me. . .

Back to Square One

Had a restful day off. Went to the chiropractor and got the go ahead to start back lifting weights again. Unofficially, I started with biceps and triceps a couple of weeks back just some minimal weights for toning. Surprisingly enough, it made a difference in my appearance and hopefully when I work on pecs I will have the same result.

David called last night -- we haven't spoken or e-mailed in a couple of weeks -- and was checking to see how things were going. Talked for almost an hour and agreed to meet sometime after he gets back from Atlanta.

On Reading Between The Lines

Today I was reminded of one of the pitfalls of specializing/focusing on techie stuff. A myriad number of good things happened this weekend, most of which passed me by unnoticed in my exuberance to solve the "big" problem...

Was invited by a friend to walk this morning with DC Front Runners (http://dcfrontrunners.com ), a gay group of people who run together. The walking group walked a few miles around DC and observed the architecture of the various buildings downtown. Although it was somewhat chilly, the company, the buildings, and the running historical commentary from my friend captured my complete attention. It was definitely something that I enjoyed despite the weather

After the "walk", we had an informal lunch on the steps and listened to an impromptu debate over the need to reform medical care in the US. On the way to the car, had a stupid (on my part and probably avoidable) discussion over a previous entry in my blog. To some extent it confirmed a weakness in my oral and written communication skills. People automatically assume that if you're intelligent that you are proficient in these skills, not realizing that techies (who are extremely intelligent), would rather talk to computers than people because computers are easier (for them) to communicate with (a circular reinforcing weakness).

It made me realize how critical it is to distinguish when one is venting versus when one believes a fact to be true.

I spent most of the day with my friend (a very generous and appreciated allocation of his time), questioning both him and myself on various topics close to my heart. We ended up going to two hardware stores looking at various items and purchasing a few things. He's one of those three elusive guys that I had been chasing over the past six months, with probably no hope of catching (any of them). Since he's still resolving issues from his last break-up, he's leery of providing the appearance of being ready for another relationship. Some of my questions and/or attempts to draw him out have unwittingly put him on the defensive at times (almost as if I crossed an invisible barrier of impropriety. I guess that once I let people through my usual boundary it appears that anything goes. He's suggested more than once that I'm entirely too generous with people. I guess right now I view it as just being me.).

His viewpoint puts me somewhat on the defensive because even though I've been dating for a few years (as opposed to his twenty years plus), I'm still forming my dating preferences. One of the "funny" moments (he didn't find it funny, unfortunately) today occurred when one of the Front Runners suggested that "my friend" had to let me "lead" sometime, so why not now? I had assumed that my friend had "learned" to lead by first "following" but that was not the case. While I view myself a "lead", I have considered that one might be a better "lead" by learning to "follow" from a "strong" lead. Not necessarily from him, but perhaps from someone equally "strong". Perhaps, I need to reconsider this strategy or work with a "strong follower"?

The communication issues became more pronounced during the times I told him how I feel/felt about him (and I finally and correctly) was able to read his body language and realize that he felt I was pressuring him to respond according. Strangely enough, my purpose was to simply share that information -- almost as if this were a second coming out and it was important to be as clear as possible instead of letting him read between the lines.

Unsuprising, I spent all afternoon examining both him and the situation with him and the other guys. An extension of my desire to determine what it is I really want/need at this stage of my life. Steve has challenged my current "out" status and recommended that I won't find peace because I can't be myself while I'm not out to everyone. The funny (or sad) thing is that I still don't know how I like my eggs (ala Runaway Bride").

One of the reasons I really treasure my friend for is his knowledge of a variety of subjects. In this case, human interaction/sexuality. Today, he didn't disappoint me at all. We discussed the differences between emotional and physical relationships and how the two of us fitted into this model. He sorted of glossed over his feelings to me in this respect and I didn't press him. When he doesn't want to answer, it's not really worth the effort since he's an accomplished extemporaneous speaker (and former politician). I guess my own thoughts on this topic are he's flattered that a "cute guy" (his words not mine) is so interested in him, but he's careful to state that he's not available and even suggested and pointed out a couple of guys who are (sigh). His "anglo-saxon" reticence and style of communication sometimes leave me scratching my head, since sometimes I'm not sure whether he's committed himself to one position or another. (I'm sure my non-anglo (and techie) obtuseness also irritates him!) The burning question in my mind is that IF he was available, would he be attracted to me? A relevant question since, I'm not usually his type.

I can't really explain (even to myself) what is the attraction, but it definitely is not (only) physical -- more akin like a moth to a flame (which is very unusual for me). At this point, my creditability with him (as far as our "relationship" goes) is at an all time low (he's running away, I'm trying to 'splain). I enjoy being around him and chatting over meals and so forth. As far as physical contact goes, I wouldn't mind having him touch or hug me (he works on backs very well), but I'm pretty sure that I'm not ready to get "physical" with him. VERY hard to communicate when I keep accidently brush up against him. At the very least, he's turned out to be definitely close (in terms of emotional closeness), something I've never considered before.

One of the things that is definitely clear is that I enjoy getting out with my friends. Since Jeff and I parted ways three years ago, the position of close friend and almost constant companion has been mostly vacant. My best friend does a good job of temporary stand-in, but our times together have been sparse and somewhat spotty. Do I need a female stand-in? Perhaps not...

If I'm at the bottom I can only go up, right?

Just returned from a long week in Detroit. Don't know how I'm managing the stress, but at least this week I didn't loose a few more pounds, it would have been very disquieting. Maybe, I'm getting used to it.

Haven't heard from any of the guys and maybe it's just as well. I'm determined now to give up men until one comes along that just absolutely makes my knees weak. I guess I'm tired of these guys that either aren't sure what they want, or just don't want it now, or even worse require so much care and feeding that you'll be lucky if you get a kiss in the next six months.

Maybe Luther (Vandros) is right. Eating is better than love.

It's suppose to be fun?

Back in Detroit working like a dog. It's not that the work is so difficult, but a twelve- and fourteen- day is really draining on you.

The love life is deader than a bronto bone in the NY Museum -- and just as revivable. None of the guys that I have been chasing have really been interested. I think that they're just humoring me. I've been thinking that I really need to join a monastery and forgot about that facet of my life.

On second thoughts

If love makes the world go around, why isn't everyone in love?


Had dinner with the cute guy and did the "good" friend thing by trying to help him through his latest crisis. Apparently, he had dinner with the ex- and it didn't go very well. I can't imagine why the ex would have dinner with him at all since he (the ex-) terminated the relationship. But I guess that's one for the record books. Anyway, my friend was still fairly distraught and trying to put a good face on it. I just wanted to reach around and hug him, because the pain was very obvious and still fresh, but since he's such a "strong" guy I don't think that he would appreciate it. Strangely enough, if I asked for a shoulder he would give it in a second.

Had a long chat with the best friend over the men problems. Am only getting to a certain point before they're no longer interested. Since the last b.f., it's been a big struggle and I'm almost paranoid that there's a scarlet letter on my forehead that's scaring prospective men away.

Decided tonight that the fat lady has been singing away on the final verse and I just haven't been paying attention. The swan song is probably inevitable, but I didn't think it would come so soon. The feeling that lately it's been difficult to do anything right has been slowly creeping along my spine. The guy in Brooklyn has been eating at me for the past week. Granted, he's not by any stretch the "perfect match", but I thought that we had established a fairly strong connection. I just don't know what went wrong but it seems to be a common theme in the last four or five tries at bat.

Maslow's pyramid is probably the right idea. But I think relationships and interaction play a more important role than he actually considered. At this point, I would have been willing to give up just about everything in terms of security to be with that special someone. I think the intensity of this feeling has been overwhelming and will probably be the downfall, something that can't be overcome.

Almost transitioned

It's been a long and stressful week. Hopefully, this one won't be a template for the rest of the project. The last two weeks culminated in a presentation with the project manager yesterday morning. After a 30 minute briefing, he pronounced the deck (presentation) excellent and said we were going down the correct pathway. To much relief of the entire team.

The days leading up to the presentation were extremely stressful, with the added pressure of re-catching that hard to elude sinus infection. Not sure why I keep catching it, but the trip up to NYC for business didn't help. It turned into a fourteen day work week and I guess my body recovery was too low to repel the invasion.

Still feeling bad this morning, and I feel like I have a head cold, despite the lack of congestion. And still feeling vulnerable from the last guy I went out with. It's been hard seeing any couple together. For someone who professes not to want a complementary puzzle piece, the sense of loss is almost overwhelming. I guess I still have some strong moments of despair that it will always be like this, but I'm somewhat hopeful that it won't. For tonight at least, I'm going to crash and think of nothing. Especially since the prospects for completeness are non-existent.

Ashes in my mouth

Had been waiting for two weeks to meet up again with that sensitive, but intellectually stimulating man. Plans were to do the volunteer gig at Lambda Literary and lunch, and perhaps I could swindle a back rub afterwards. On the following day we had planned brunch with just the two of us (and who knows what else?).

Ironically, the day started just I had hoped. I got a kiss and a hug, and during the embrace he thoughtfully started working on the sore parts of my back. However, the "big bad wolf" (Brian) was feeling ignored for whatever reason and kept interrupting with some rude comments like "get a room", "oh my god look at them", etc., which made the SBISM quit.

The group knew each other well, so the volunteer gig was pleasant and full of chatter on the latest topics. Strangely enough, the SBISM chided me for being too generous (i.e. with my hugs and body rubs). DAMN. Considering that I only do it with guys that I like unlike him (he does it with almost everyone), you would think that he would get it by now. Unfortunately he doesn't and he might never.

Headed off to Mary's for a hamburger (with the same group), and then walked SBISM back to his car and for the ashes. He cancelled for the next day due to the remodeling, but even after prompting decided he could go it alone. And he may end up doing that (type of work) for the rest of his life....

Heading to Detroit

Just found out that I got this intense and high-pressure job in Detroit. Will be flying there each Monday and flying home on Thursday nights. The team is small, only five people, but at least there will be an opportunity to work on the problem at hand instead of personalities that bicker about trivialties.

Will have to work fairly quickly to identify a support network over there. My colleague Bart, who is already there and the incoming team lead, is working 12+ hour days and is feeling a bit overwhelmed. Will be looking at it as a challenge while I decide what to do when I grow up....